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:iconnightiingale:
(Oops. First time I posted this, I sent it to page 1! I meant to send it to page 2! Sorry for the mistake on my part)

This is the first time I've ever written a proper critique for a DeviantArt piece, so bare with me (Of course, I only have this page and the previous page and I’m ignoring artists comments so my story assumptions might be off).

I like the set up. What you have utilised in is a film technique which is great for killing two scenes with one stone (A montage of the fight plus the two unnamed protagonists discussing their objective as the events themselves unfold). However as it is a film technique it’s very hard to convert into a comic medium. The way you did the set up works fine in a film as film has the luxury of editing and sound (music, voice acting and sound effects). It was a bit confusing at first due to the fact how you just jumped into the action. I wasn’t sure what was going on until half way through page 2. My suggestion to avoid this confusion in the future is a build up. By build up I mean, provide a decent introduction to the two characters talking in the beginning THEN shifting into the action. Sure it might take up 5 extra panels, but you know what they say ‘you reap what you sow’.

The use of the unnamed female (thus far) being the one in the dark and asking all the questions the audience needs to know is another nifty little trick when used correctly. It allows you to explain things to the audience without boring them and develop a character’s personality and role (are they an all-knowing leader/figure or an underling? etc). However sometimes when people use this technique they tend to go overboard and it becomes bland and uninteresting. Too much ‘show not tell’. You’ve got a brilliant balance here; well-done.

Flow is great, easy to follow (once you understand what’s going on). However I must nit pick with the panel which shows the female crashing down the wall onto the red soldiers. How did she get onto the other side of the wall in order to crash it down? There’s no in-between panel to show her transition from one side to the other so I’m left to presume she went X-Men kitty style and fazed through it. I know you’re expecting the audience to presume that she jumped over, but sometimes you do need to show these things as not everyone will get it first read through (I have this problem too).

Art wise you have an intriguing style. Your outlined flat coloured panels are fantastic. The way a character moves, their posture and their facial expressions really shine through and reflect what their saying and their personalities. My only suggestion is maybe experiment a little bit with shading on the characters; add a bit of depth. Also, maybe add a bit more to the backgrounds; you don’t want your characters floating in space!

The not outlined panels and raw colour ones are interesting also. It creates a great juxtaposition to what’s being said (with the two characters) and what’s happening (fight!). However it appears very unrefined and rushed (It’s good that you’re experimenting though) my suggestion is to slow down a bit and take control of the brush. I understand that colouring lineless is very difficult and hard to make look neat so all I can say here is: Keep practicing :)!

It’s brilliant to see you’re playing with angles and the size of a shot, it keeps the comic interesting and doesn’t visually bore the reader (as a continuous stream of headshots would). :thumbsup: I love these angles to bits-I wish people would be just as daring as you (by people I mean myself also ><;). However, in your long shot angles your little people need a bit of work. I know they are teeny tiny and hard to define but the lack of detail is really off putting. They look a bit like play-dough people. Due to this distortion your female looks bit masculine and larger than what she really is in the last two panels. If I saw these on their own, I would have presumed the protagonist was male.

Story wise, I’m interested. I can’t wait for page 3.

In conclusion:

*Create more of a build up to prevent confusion
*Keep practicing that lineless style (it’s looking pretty good so far!)
*Try a bit of shading to add depth to the flat colours
*Keep practicing little people
*Interesting story; keep it up!

I’m sorry if I sound mean in any part of this critique. I hope I’ve helped!

Sorry if it's TL;DR.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconhaikera-baiketsu:
Haikera-Baiketsu Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009
I'm totally drawing a male Narglii now.
Reply
:iconpargile:
pargile Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
He'd have wider hips than she does :B

Also, haven't you already DONE that?
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:iconhaikera-baiketsu:
Haikera-Baiketsu Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009
I don't recall doing do D: If I did it would be super muscley and I do not recall any super muscley Nargliis
Reply
:iconpargile:
pargile Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
No I know what it was, you did Doz dressed as Blue and me dressed as Narglii. Which is even worse. XD
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:iconhaikera-baiketsu:
Haikera-Baiketsu Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009
Oh, that. It doesn't count. :B
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:iconpargile:
pargile Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
It was quite disturbing enough thank you ¬¬
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:iconhaikera-baiketsu:
Haikera-Baiketsu Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009
I could unhide it if you'd like. :iconhurrplz:
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:iconpargile:
pargile Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
:c
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:iconnightiingale:
Nightiingale Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009  Student Digital Artist
Ahh you're making mne feel like a jerk now xDDD

... I want to see
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:iconhaikera-baiketsu:
Haikera-Baiketsu Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2009
You know you waaaaaant it :iconicameplz:
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:iconpargile:
pargile Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2009  Professional Digital Artist
Hey, thanks for the crit!

I think your suggestion about more of a build up could be a good one, I probably should've thought it out more from an outside perspective, looking at it now I see how it could be quite confusing... XD

Glad you think so!

And atually she DOES phase through it Kitty Pryde style XP It makes more sens if you know the character, and reterospectively thinking I should've done the reference material before the comic so it'd make more sense. I thought it'd be clearer as to her phasing abilities with the lower half of the top split panel where she's diving through someone XD Oops.

I was trying to get a looser look for the lineless stuff, guess it didn't work as well as I'd hoped XP I'll try something different on the next page :3

See what you mean about the scribbly play dough people, I'll try to do something more with them next time I use them :0 Good call.


Awesome crit, very helpful :3 I like tl;drs, so I'm glad you took the time out to write one. =P Ta very much!
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